Desire

I got it wrong.

Now, this in itself isn't unusual - at all - and I don't mind admitting it when it happens...which is on a semi-regular basis. I wrote yesterday about the sense of change I feel in my life at the moment -

'It's not about my fulfillment, my gratification, my own pleasure, it's about wanting to know how to be living the life that will serve God as He intends for me to be.'

Now, that's not untrue, because it is all a part of the 'shift' I'm feeling, but I realised today that the 'end goal' isn't about knowing how to live my life how God wants me to be, to be seeking His will for me. The end goal is to desire Him, to desire to be in relationship with Him, and the focus should be on that desire. The rest will come, but the primary focus is Him, not me. I thought I had that pretty much worked out - even though I know that I want to live my life for Him, to be serving Him, to know His will for me - as I should be, as directed by scripture - that's not the primary focus. If it was, then it would be about me - what am I supposed to be doing? That thinking kind of defeats the crux of my faith - self-focus is not what Christianity is about, God-focus is.

This all came to me today through a book I've just finished reading, written by someone who has walked a journey quite similar to my own. I've been mulling over this concept ever since I read about the author's experience of this realisation, and whilst I am obviously a very different person to the author with different life experience, the force with which this thought struck me tells me it's something I'm going to be chewing on for quite some time.

The times, they are a-changin'.....

There's change in the air, prompting me to do things differently, and I can't say I'm entirely comfortable with it all. As in these changes are yearnings of my heart, things I'm feeling compelled to explore, but my hedonistic self doesn't want to comply.

I want life to be less busy, less cluttered, less consuming, just....less. Which I know means it will be more - more focused, more productive, more purposeful. I'm not living the best life that I know is planned for me, and I know that if I let go of the excess, I'll have a clearer view of the direction to take. It's not about my fulfillment, my gratification, my own pleasure, it's about wanting to know how to be living the life that will serve God as He intends for me to be. Romans 12:1-2 has been coming at me again and again over the last few weeks, and I find myself chewing on different parts on different days:

'Therefore, I urge you, brothers, in view of God's mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God—this is your spiritual act of worship. Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.'

I love this verse. I love that it's a 'direction' for how we are to seek God's will - by turning away from the 'patterns of this world', and turning to Him for direction. By seeking the course of our lives from Him, not from Oprah, or any of the gazillion self-help books available today, or the magazines telling us (particularly we women) how to look, think, act and feel. I think the global financial crisis that we've experienced is *such* a wake up call to how dependent we've become as a society on money and just *stuff* in general. TAke away the financial secutrity we've come to rely on, take away the resources to buy more *stuff*, to consume *more*, and the world goes into a panic. Have we not learnt that we *cannot* rely on money as security, as material things in our life as security?? I wish I could say that I'm removed from this, that I don't put myself into that category, but the reality is, I can't. I like seeing the balance of my savings account. I like being able to buy things when I need to, or even simply just want to. I live a very blessed, abundant life, and I absolutely take it for granted.

I can't hear God clearly with all the excess and clutter in my life, and I think that's why I feel this pull toward simplicity. To get rid of what I don't need to find what I do need. I need to be serving Christ, to be walking the path He has laid before me. William Barclay comments on the Romans verse above : 'Present your body, therefore, as a living and holy sacrifice. Take all the tasks that you have to do every day - the ordinary work at the office, the factory, the home, the school; take the tasks that you perform in your marriage relationship and the parent-child relationship; and offer all of it as worship to God. (William Barclay, The Letter to the Romans, p. 168) Nothing that you do should be done outside the framework of serving the Lord'. I want everything I do to be in service of my God, as worship to Him, for it is only by His grace that I am living the life I am.

I've blogged much the same thing off and on over the years, but this time feels different. There's a shift - in me, in life, in the world around me. It's about getting back to basics - literally. I'm far from the only one, in fact I'm probably quite late to the party. I want to pare back, to do more with less 'stuff', to be less reliant on the world, and more reliant on Christ. He has blessed me with being able to buy a house, my first home, and I want to make it a reflection of His home for us as His children. I've longed for a place of my own to be able to make ours, to put our stamp of family on it. Now I have that opportunity, and I want to embrace it wholeheartedly. And I have no idea where to start!!!! I want to plant a veggie patch, to paint, to sew and make cosy the surroundings in which we live. I want to go back to basics with our food, to be more hands on. I want to be less tired, less lethargic, to be more disciplined when it comes to getting enough sleep (gulp!). I'm the only one who can make those changes, and to do that I need to stop making excuses. Something I'm very good at. I need to trust that with God, all things are possible.....

Keepin' it real

The delightful Lusi is throwing out the challenge for us to Get Real Baby. This is a concept I'm somewhat familiar with, in case you hadn't already noticed, lol, and I thought I'd continue to play along. So we'll start with today.

Today I got up later than I planned to, at 6:30. I made lunches for all of us, kept the kids on track getting organised (which included DS #2 being organised for swimming), diverted arguments, and had us out the door by 7:30. Dropped the kids off at before school care, and went to work.
I left work at 4:30, went and did a speed shop to get to pick the boys up from after school care at 5:15. Raced home for DS #2 to get changed and took him to Joey Scouts. Stopped to get a DVD on $1 Tuesday, went home again and cooked tea. Washed a load of dishes whilst tea was cooking, and ran a load of laundry through the dryer. We all ate tea, chatted about our day, and the kids got organised for bed while I washed another load of dishes. I gently moved along the procrastinator, kissed the kids goodnight, and did some general tidying up and preparing for tomorrow while I ran the bath. Soaked in the bath for a while, then did some more tidying up while I waited for 'Lie To Me' to start on TV. And here I am.

Reading back on this, I feel exhausted.

And I don't feel like I've done enough today. This is the keeping it real part. I feel like I should have gotten more done between getting home and now. There is a pile of clothes to be folded and put away, 'things' to be sorted/purged/put away, school notes to be read and signed. Kids' readers to be heard. Lunches to be made for tomorrow. The cake I had planned to bake is still in it's original separate ingredient form. I haven't spent anytime in God's Word, or in dedicated time with Him. I feel like I haven't done everything I should have today.

I never feel like I've done enough. I compare myself to what I see other mums achieve, and I feel like I'm falling short. I feel permanently tired, often bordering on exhausted. I feel like I should be doing more, achieving more. And yes, I know this is unrealistic. But this is about keeping it real, something I'm no stranger to.

I wish I could wake up one day and not feel like this, and it's only just occurred to me that that's something I should pray about. Despite the ups and downs of each day, of each stretch of time, I feel so very blessed to live the life I do. Even though so much of my life is uncertain at this point in time, I only have to look outside of myself to see how fortunate I am to be living the life I am, but by the grace of God. And I know that should be enough, that what I do each day should be enough. I want to be more real, to live my life more authentically, and if Lusi's challenge can keep me focused on that, then I'll keep being real.

Already.....

.... ready to give up on the cleaning. But this is not unusual, nor unexpected. I've been here before. In starting to *really* get into what it will take to get this place organised, I'm overwhelmed by the sheer enormity of it all, and right now it seems easier to not bother than to keep going. But I know I have to, because I know I can't continue to live in the mess that I do. I want to get rid of the excess, and I really want to get back into creating, into having my space where I can just sit and ponder and just literally get my hands dirty. I haven't actually 'felt' creative in quite a while, as I do now, and at the moment there is too much junk cluttering my craft space to be able to work.

This morning, it occurred to me that what I'm doing within my house is somewhat of a metaphor for my life at the moment. I have had more than a few times over the last few months where it has seemed easier to give up (in regards to work), than to keep plugging away, to keep working through the rubbush and the hard stuff. I'm still in the midst of the working hard part, and will be for quite some time, and I'm starting to see the results of the hard work. There are of course ups and downs, but I'm 'getting there'. And I've only been able to get to where I am now by trusting God, by seeking His strength and guidance, even when I haven't particularly felt like it. If I had sought only my 'self' to get me through this, I would have failed miserable quite a while ago. Once my job ends in March, apart from knowing I'll be studying, I really have no idea where I'm going. And surprisingly, I'm quite ok with that. I know God has a plan for me, and that He will reveal it to me in His own time, in His perfect timing. Sometimes I just have to keep telling myself that to keep in in my head, other times I really *feel* the belief in that promise.
I know it seems a lot more 'trivial', but I keep applying that belief to this cleaning out the house job. It is a huge task, and today in particular I've had to really think about what I'm doing , today I really feel my physical limitations. But that's ok, because it's all part of the journey. Even though I look around the loungeroom and see the pile sof stuff to be sorted, and know there is even more stuff tucked away unseen, I see the work I have accomplished today, and I need to keep focusing on that, what I have achieved, not what it to be done. A pretty good guideline for my life at the moment, too, I think. Keep focusing on what I have achieved, and am continuing to improve on, not on all that is before me to get through.

One day at a time.

Focus + Purpose.

All will be done in His perfect timing.

Starting again

Again. I've made so many starts on so many things in my life. Trying to be more organised at home is one of them. I've been in my own place for 14 years, and I've never been someone who has maintained 'a place for everything and everything in its' place' - I've never been like that in my life!!! I've also been a hoarder, which I contribute to having moved around so much as a kid, my familiarity was in my 'things', which led to a hoarding personality. Over the last couple of years though this has changed, and now I'm craving simplicity. Less. Living with the essentials, and not seeking security and joy in 'stuff'. Somehow, I still manage to collect and keep, and every now and then I look around and am surprised by how much clutter I have around the place.

At the moment, I've let it get out of control, and I hate it. I can make every excuse under the sun, but really, I'm the only reason why things are as cluttered and messy as they are around here. I'm the first to admit that I'm not very consistent with housework etc, not that my house is unclean, it's just untidy!! And I feel restless, and irritable, and just plain annoyed with myself, because I let this happen time and time again. You'd think I'd have *some* system worked out by now....

I want my place to be a home. I don't own where we live, but this is the longest I've ever lived in one house in my life, at 32 I'm settled. Our house is small, but it is more than what we need. I've considered looking for a bigger rental, and the thought occurred to me the other day 'I need to make my stuff accommodate where we live, not find somewhere to live to accommodate my stuff'. We have a small living area, but it means we have to be in close quarters and cosy with each other as a family, and we all have spaces to retreat to when we each need some 'time out'. We have a great, low maintenance yard, and everything anyone needs in a house. So in contemplating all this, I'm thinking about what I can do to make this a more 'homely', comforting place to live. I want to not have to worry about people dropping in because the place is a mess, I want to be able to invite people over and not have to race home or spend a day cleaning just to have the place presentable. 7 years ago I discovered Flylady, and the first thing I read on her site was 'Are you living with CHAOS (Can't Have Anyone Over Syndrome)?, and when I stopped laughing, I realised how true that acronym was!!! I did follow her 'baby steps' and tips, and they absolutely did work, and I kept it up for quite some time. Then, well, what is usual for me happened, and I got slack again and let everything go. I've employed Flylady techniques on and off over time, but have never really stuck to it. I started again today, with the '15 minute' technique - cleaning for 15 minutes, then stopping for 15 minutes, and it actually does work. I only got one corner cleared up, but it was all the Christmas stuff!!! My usual MO is to go 'right, I'm getting everything done NOW', and waht usually happens is I just put things anywhere I can, out of sight, and it's only a superficial job. That is my instinct, and I have to really fight against it. I find it a challenge to stay focused on what I'm doing, because I am easily distracted by everything else that needs doing! So, today I've been able to keep Focus, because I had a Purpose. Then I had a nap, and that was the end of the day's cleaning, lol.

In all seriousness, I feel like this is part of my journey with Christ. I need to throw off the weight of the 'world' I'm feeling at the moment, which for me is in the form of 'stuff', so that I can focus more on Him, and not on what's around me. I need to simplify, to reduce, to remove, so that I can find my security in Him, not in things of this world. I had planned to start the One Year Bible reading plan (again) on Jan 1, but I haven't yet, because I've been distracted. But that's ok. He is here, He's not going anywhere, and I can start tomorrow (right now, I have to go to bed). This is the day that the Lord has made, and today, I'm rejoicing and being glad in it.

Focus + Purpose. I think it's going to work.

Out with the old, in with the.....

..well, that logically should follow with 'new', but I'm not so sure. Different? Better? Improved??
I originally started posting this on my other blog, then thought what better way to 'kick off' this new blog than with a post about new intentions on the first day of the new year???
I took my head out of the big puddle of self-pity I was wallowing in when I posted yesterday, and let a few thoughts about the year to come float around in my head. Predominantly, I am the only one who can change anything in my life, with God's strength and guidance. Ghandi said 'you must be the change to wish to see in the world', and this is so very true. I'm not talking about anything on a global scale, more in my own 'world', starting with me, my own home. I'm a procrastinator, I put things off until later, usually for the sake of more immediate self-gratification. And I'm the one trying to teach my kids about patience and working for things and delayed gratification!!! How can I do that if I'm not modelling it?? I wrote last year that I have enough books and craft supplies to last me a long time, and that I wasn't going to buy any more. Well, that intent fell through with a bust, and I now have more 'stuff' that I don't need (even though I will use it!!).

I've been thinking about Ali Edward's 'One Little Word' again for this year, and there isn't a word immediately jumping out at me. Last year's word was 'Focus', and I can't say I had much focus throughout the last year. Then I read a post at Homegrown Hospitality, and Stephanie said something that has really resonated with me. She posted about how her word for 2008 was also Focus, but that she realised that Focus goes hand-in-hand with Purpose (her word for 2009), to quote:

'I know that I am jumping the gun and it would seem that I am tossing my 2008 word, "focus" aside..but I am not, because I have come to realize today, December 2, 2008, that you can not have one without the other...I try, I have tried and darn it I am still trying to Focus on the road of life that is in front of me...but I need to fine tune my purpose to be able to focus.'

That just seemed to make so much sense to me! I often feel like I'm wandering around aimlessly in this life of mine, despite the fact I have some very defined purposes to achieve each and every day. I also know when I have a task to complete or a project to work on, I can be very focused, and actually achieve some things along the way. Perhaps I need to re-visit Focus, with Purpose? I also keep coming back to Simplify, I want to get rid of the excess in my life - excess weight, excess 'stuff', excess procrastinating, and to live more simply. Whilst I haven't really felt the effects of the 'global economic crisis' (has that become an acronym yet, GEC???) yet, I do know I will in the not too distant future, and I don't want to be reliant on money and 'stuff' to live. I don't mean anything as drastic as giving away all my worldly possessions and living on baked beans or anything, I mean not being so focused on the 'things' I want, and being focused on what is important, what will sustain me in life - God. I've said it many times before, posted many times before, I want a deeper, more 'real' relationship with God, and as with any relationship in life, that takes effort and committment on my part. We've seen the world crumble economically in the last few months, that should be enough to shake us all up and realise that our foundations aren't in dollars and cents, in 'things', in bricks and mortar, and yet it seemed that the shops were busier and the pace of life more frantic this Christmas. I understand the government's thinking in giving families money with the intent of it being spent to boost the economy, but I can't agree with the 'spending for spending's' sake sentiment, that encouraging people to buy 'stuff' is a good thing. It puts the focus on 'things' in this world, not on where it should be - God, family, love, serving and caring for each other. But that's a rant for another day.....

Today is just another day, but it's the beginning of a new year, and it feels a bit like a fresh start. I look around at the disaster zone that is my house, and I know that I just have to pull my finger out and get started cleaning up. This will be an ongoing process for some time, but I know that if I want things to change, if I want to Simplify, to be more Focused with Purpose, getting rid of the excess and creating a better environment for us to live in is a place to start. At the moment it seems like a hugely overwhelming task, but I read somewhere once 'how do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time'.

Homegrown hospitality is a new blog to me, but I think I'm going to be a fan, what I've read so far of Stephanie's writings has stuck with me, particularly this quite from Joyce Meyer
'If you want your life to change, your choices must change and today is the best day of your life to begin'. Can't argue with that.

Diversion

As much as I'm not a regular blogger, I sort-of miss blogging. I'm also aware of being discerning about what I out 'out there' in the big wide cyber-world. So, this here blog will be for me, my dumping gound, my musing space, the warts and all of my life. Stitchingmum will be more for the tactile endeavours of my life, photography, and other musings. I will password protect this blog, but please leave me a comment that I can contact you on, or e-mail me at stitchingmum@gmail.com for the password, I'd be happy to have you drop by *grin*.